


No Note, Car Gone (Out of My Mind)

by thistlethorns



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Cap-Ironman Bingo, Established Relationship, Humor, M/M, please always keep your Tony well caffeinated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-24
Updated: 2015-11-24
Packaged: 2018-05-02 17:19:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5257031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thistlethorns/pseuds/thistlethorns
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some petty crimes happened to the completely blameless. Others happened to caffeine-deprived dummies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Note, Car Gone (Out of My Mind)

**Author's Note:**

> Bingo prompt fill for the Mistaken Identity square on my card. Title paraphrases Molly Weasley from The Chamber of Secrets.

+

It was nearly noon when the Plitcomms board meeting ended. Tony shook the hands of his fellow directors as they filed out of the boardroom, trying his best not to yawn. The irony was not lost on Tony that he was relatively willing to attend the board meetings of a company of which he was merely an outside director, while skipping out on as many of _his_ own company's board meetings as he could get away with.

But Plitcomms didn't have a Pepper to run things properly, so. Sacrifices had to be made.

That morning was an especially great sacrifice, Tony reflected glumly, because the Plitcomms boardroom coffeemaker was out of order, and the secretary had broken her leg and therefore had only been able to bring each of them a single coffee. Insult to injury, it had been instant 3-in-1 stuff and far weaker than Tony usually preferred. He hadn't had the time for his usual pint of coffee at home that morning either, having been hustled (already running late) out of the workshop by a gently chiding Steve.

He was so out of it that he couldn't even remember getting his usual goodbye kiss in the kitchen. Did he not get his goodbye kiss? Impossible. He always got his goodbye kiss.

"Coming to lunch, Mr Stark?" asked one of the other independent directors. She had soft crow's feet that were crinkled in a friendly smile. Tony jumped, came back to the land of the living, and smiled back.

"Can't, Madam Song," he said cheerfully. "I'm due home for lunch with the husband today."

She laughed merrily, shaking her head. "Oh, I envy you. My husband's always running off to bowl or have afternoon tea with his friends. I can't remember the last time he and I had lunch together!"

"Just ask him to lunch," said Tony. "If he says no, he's a fool." He shook her hand and they parted ways.

Tony took a different elevator down to the basement carpark of the Plitcomms building, where there was a private section allocated for the directors and a spot reserved under his name. He rummaged absently in his pockets for the keys to the Audi. Plitcomms didn't like him landing on their roof in the Iron Man suit, said it scared seven kinds of hell out of their staff, so he always drove to their meetings. He still kept a suitcase suit in the trunk, just in case. Being blindsided while in fleshy, vulnerable form was always hell on his clothes, and even when he came out of it totally fine, Steve got all—

Tony frowned. His keys weren't in his usual pocket, and they weren't in any of his other pockets, either. Well, no need to panic. He stopped the elevator at the ground floor, then switched to another that was going back up. Maybe he left them in the boardroom. It wouldn't be the first time; Plitcomms meetings were usually scheduled early in the morning, and Tony always zombied his way through them. Steve was always fussing over him, making sure he'd eaten breakfast and whatnot.

A thorough search of the boardroom turned up no keys. A thorough grilling of the receptionists told Tony that no one had turned in his missing keys.

At this point, Tony was reeling from a lack of coffee and a growing sense of worry. He started wondering if he'd left the keys in the ignition, the way he had done the last time he was operating on suboptimal caffeine levels.

God knew, Happy used to heave the _hugest_ sighs upon coming to pick up his cars after wild nights on the town and realising that Tony had simply left the key in the slot. Security risk, and all that.

Steve was picky about that, too; leaving the key in the ignition was like a leaving the door to a vault wide open, he'd said. Tony had insisted that he didn't do it on purpose. He was drowsy! He was uncaffeinated! He thought he was in the Tower garage! Steeeeeeve! And Steve had rolled his eyes, impossibly fond, and nipped at his pouty lower lip. "Just don't do it again," he'd murmured against Tony's lips. "Your armor is in there, as you're so fond of reminding me. We can't have someone stealing that with the car." And then they had had sex in the back of the car, just because.

Tony made his way down to the basement again and checked his reserved bay. His heart dropped into his gut.

The bay was empty.

"Shit." Tony pulled his phone out. "J, wake up. I need a trace on the Audi and the suit in the trunk. Also, file a police report for a stolen vehicle on my behalf, last seen at the Plitcomms building this morning. Keys were in the ignition, so the perp probably has them. Tell them the car's loaded with weaponry, so it's top priority." He shut the Stark server uplink, called for an SI driver to pick him up in a spare company car, and went back to the lobby to wait.

Twenty minutes later, safely ensconced the back of the car, Tony remembered that he ought to call Steve to tell him he was going to be late. JARVIS hadn't reported back with anything, but Tony figured it was only a matter of time (petty car thieves could never hope to outrun JARVIS). But Steve wasn't going to like the news, especially after telling him to be careful the last time. Tony braced himself and hit dial.

The phone rang twice, then clicked.

"Sweetheart!" said Tony, before Steve could say anything. He had many endearments for his husband, but 'sweetheart' was the one that provoked the mushiest reactions from Steve, and Tony was not above using that to his advantage. "I'm on my way back now. Steve, honey, tiny little thing happened, I _might_ have left the keys in the Audi and now it's been stolen, and I know, you told me not to do that, but I've got J running trace already and it's not a big deal. Nothing to worry about. So I'm seeing you for lunch, right?"

There was a partial silence on the other end. All Tony could hear was a gamut of background noises, the usual loud bustle of New York streets. In the foreground, Steve's breathing sounded suspiciously controlled.

"Steve?" Tony tried. "You with me?"

Nothing. Tony thought he heard judgement in that silence.

"In my defence, I haven't had a proper coffee all day. You didn't let me stop for coffee this morning! People do much worse things when lacking sustenance!" said Tony. Ironclad defence, right there, and pun totally intended.

"Tony," Steve finally said, exasperation and irritation held back by gritted teeth, "I dropped you off at work this morning."

It was Tony's turn to be silent.

A hazy, drowsy memory surfaced, of Steve bundling Tony into the passenger seat of the Audi and expressing doubt about his ability to drive safely while half-asleep. Tony had put up a token protest, then sunk into the seat and drifted off. He _had_ gotten his goodbye kiss — in the car.

"Oh," he said, "right."

Tony hadn’t felt that foolish since the time he’d made a complete mess planning their first wedding anniversary. On the other hand, relief. He ought to tell JARVIS to call back the hounds.

"You're on your way home?"

"Yeah, I — shit, were you going to pick me up? I can get the driver to turn back, just—"

"Well, I _was_ ,” said Steve, a funny note in his voice. “But I might take a while. I’m busy convincing the police that I haven’t stolen your car.”

+

The drive back was completely silent, thanks in part to the Audi’s fantastic noise insulation. The other part was Steve’s complete disinclination to speak, his shoulders tense as he stared determinedly out the window. Tony, for his part, couldn’t think of anything to say that wasn’t joking or flippant, and he was almost one hundred percent sure that one did not normally make fun of Captain America for nearly getting arrested, especially not when one was the _cause_ of said attempted arrest. A mature, socially correct adult would not mention the fact that Steve _did_  know how to steal cars, and had in fact put that knowledge to practical use many a time before. Tony was not such an adult, but he held back as best he could.

They were just pulling into the Tower garage when Steve finally broke.

He burst into loud, long laughter, his entire frame wobbling with it, hands grasping helplessly at his chest, his knees. Tony stared in shock, slightly worried about a hysterical breakdown. But mostly he was offended.

“It’s not that funny!” he protested. Steve just wheezed harder. “What are you laughing at – why are you – I nearly got you arrested!”

“They would’ve let me go,” Steve said, “I’ve gotten away with borrowing dozens of cars before.” And then he started a fresh set of giggles.

“Most of whose owners I ended up compensating,” said Tony, but he was laughing, too. His earlier worries were gone, completely evaporated in the reminder of just one of the many reasons why he loved his husband.

They pulled into Tony's private garage. Tony parked the car and undid his seatbelt. Steve, finally done, wiped tears out of his eyes and shook his head. “Only you, Tony. Only you.”

Tony scowled at him. “Anyone could have made that mistake,” he grumped.

“Nope. Only you.” Steve laughed a little more and said, almost to himself, “God, I love being married to you.”

Tony melted. He melted like a giant squishy pumpkin. Smiling like a fool, he reached out and laced his fingers with Steve’s atop the center console. “Love you too, you dashing car thief.”

+

 

**Author's Note:**

> This totally counts as a case of mistaken identity, albeit by the police and not by the main characters. It totally counts! (I actually had another fic meant for this square, but this was much less angsty and time-consuming so voilà!) I'm not sorry. It was so much fun to write.
> 
> I'm [kienu](http://kienu.tumblr.com/) on tumblr. Come and play!


End file.
